Sunday, August 28, 2005

Chapter Forty-Eight: Scaredy Pants
After four-straight barbeque-filled days in Texas, we rolled up to Kansas City where the legendary cuisine is... yes, barbeque. Knowing full well we'd be receiving some form of bbq-sauce slathered meat at the Grand Emporium tomorrow night, Damian and I decided we'd be better off giving our brisket-coated stomachs a break by hitting the self-proclaimed "China Bistro," P.F. Chang's. I thought P.F. Chang's was a local California chain, but upon eating their carbon-copy fare in the middle of Missouri, I realized they're just another Applebee's with slightly better food. Ah well, the garlic noodles are pretty good.

On the way home we quickly realized we weren't in Kansas anymore... people just could not deal with Damian's pants. Now, I know I've written a bit about Damian's pants, but the sheer rapid-fire disapproval/confusion/fascination we encountered was way too startling to go unnoted. For reference, here is a photo of the pants in question:

Scene 1: The Diss

You know that feeling when someone's coming up behind you? When you get it on an unfamiliar street in Kansas City you turn to see who it is. Usually, who it's not is a little girl, ten years old at most, with several gold teeth in her mouth. Fortunately for us, though, this time it was, and she had a question: "Do you two go together?" Now, as Damian would point out later, we are indeed two parts of a four-part set; thus we do, essentially, go together. This interpretation was almost certain to be lost on the bling-toothed youngster, and it was pretty clear that the gist of her inquiry was "are you dudes homosexual?" "No." Pointing to Damian: "Then why y'alls pants so tight?!" It was barely an insult, but her tone was so confidently demeaning, and with the lack of a witty comeback, I couldn't help but feel like we had just lost at something. Heads hung, we started walking away at which point she ran up, inexplicably smacked Damian on the ass and sprinted off to join her other friends.

Scene 2: The Question

We got back to the hotel lobby where a dude was hanging out with another dude and two dudettes, presumably in double-date formation. Their conversation halted immediately to inspect the two clear "outta towners." After I was sure we were out of pant-radar one of them screams to Damian, "Hey, you in a band?!" "Yeah." Jumping. Screaming. "I told you!!!! DAMMIT! I TOLD YOU!!!!"

Scene 3: The Family

We pulled up to the elevator, right behind a family on their way up to their room. We graciously (I thought) told them that we'd wait for the next one, as the elevator was pretty packed. "Oh no, we'll make room," said the dad, the biggest of maybe six in the family, all of whom, I shit you not, were dressed head-to-toe in University of Kansas clothing. I mean every single article of clothing was University of Kansas related; sweatshirts, sweatpants, t-shirts, hats, windbreakers, visors, key chains, coffee mugs, etc. Now normally, I avoid the crowded elevator, especially the crowded pep rally elevator, but this time we took our chances.

UofK Mom/Aunt #1: "Now THOSE are some pants."
UofK Mom/Aunt #2: "Marty, you need some pants like these, Marty."
UofK Track Suit Kid, squeezing UofK Dad in 'U of K Proud Dad' shirt: "Lemme get a look at'em"
UofK Mom/Aunt #1: "Are you from LONDON?"
Damian: "No."
UofK Proud Dad: "Are those pajamas?"

Luckily the door opened at that point. I don't know if Damian's confidence in trouser selection has been shaken, but I do know that I'm bringing a video camera next time he goes out in them.



Anonymous Matt said...

That is hillarious.

10:53 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

Those pants are pretty tight, but cool. Definately bring the video camera next time.

10:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you two would make a cute couple...

11:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is it with annoying children and smacking people on the butt?

11:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yea, marty needs to get a hold of some groovin' slacks a.s.a.p!

12:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those are some hot, hot pants.

And I agree with Anonymous #1 :D

1:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

those are AWESOME pants!!! I would wear those anytime, anywhere! btw, what happens when Damien splits his pants? Do you guys have mulitple pairs of clothing or do you just get a seamstress or are one of you secretly hiding a special hidden talent?

1:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Heads hung, we started walking away at which point she ran up, inexplicably smacked Damian on the ass and sprinted off to join her other friends."

Best story ever.

1:59 AM  
Anonymous Spong said...


Why is it when a kid / teen does/says something foolish to us, WE'RE the ones who end up feeling foolish?

5:26 AM  
Anonymous karen said...

Let's be honest: who hasn't had to urge to smack Damian on the ass?

9:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This has to be the funniest blog entry to date. Bravo.

12:12 PM  
Anonymous Myra said...

this entry makes me mad, those pants are glorious and heavenly...and shouldn't be dissed. nor questioned...nor familied...
...stupid bling mouthed ten-year-old...

12:25 PM  
Anonymous Shelle said...

Nobody ever accused Kansas City of being the "friendliest of cities"...although, they may certainly be one of the nosiest. That's the midwest for ya.

1:02 PM  
Anonymous Helen said...

Those pants appear to be a force in and of themselves.

Actually, I kinda like them. Of course, no one has ever really complimented me on my clothing taste.

Hilarious! Keep the updates coming. =) I'm so glad my friend Andy pointed me to this blog.

2:25 PM  
Anonymous Rebecca said...

You know I have a plaid Jacket that would match those quite miraculously.

Nice adventures you guys had.

3:23 PM  
Anonymous Cheli said...

Absolutely hilarious and, dare I say, the best Rusty blog to date!

3:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those are awesome pants!!

5:28 PM  
Anonymous chicago chris said...

Hi-larious. Easy Rider lives.

5:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow yes quite the funny story

but seriously whats the story on the pants

i would like some tight pants

dont know wwhere to turn to thou

6:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Between Damian's tight pants and Rusty's smokin' hot luscious mouth, it's no wonder the locals had to stare.

I'm just hoping the hole in the door hanger is not an accurate representation of circumference...

9:11 PM  
Blogger Dusty said...

The pants in question are indeed the most amazing and magical pants in the universe! This oweing to the fact that they are woven from 100% pure unicorn hair. It is a little known fact that Damian's pants can actually turn polluted water pure.

9:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

they are definatly sexy pants, he shouldn't change his style. but, i agree that you would be a cute couple. :) ooooh unicorn

9:41 PM  
Blogger veryspecial_k said...

I can definately relate to the overwhelming urge to smack Damian on the ass!!!
NOW- I am ultimately conflicted by this hillarious tale. I actually laughed out loud (and scared my poor dog from his nap) but I am also ashamed and horrified! Being from Kansas City, I hate to hear of these nutballs that didn't accept these pants for the beautiful creatures they are. All persons mentioned made this town sound like a bunch of backward hicks! (I know this is the common assumption... but so untrue!)I am embarassed and wondering where, WHERE during the boys' excursion were the rest of us, those of us who would 1) appriciate any form of tight pants on such a lovely boy as Damian 2)not have any gold teeth, snickering dates, or obsessive compulsive sports disorder 3)have half enough brain cells to recognize two members of the most talented band on the planet. Come on, "are you from London?" Jesus! Where oh WHERE were the usual kids from KC, who proudly own a pair or two of similar pants??? OH YEAH- we were recovering from one fantastic rock show the night before. That explains everything.
Can't WAIT to see OKGO back in KC- I'll gladly direct the boys to many places where they, and their pants, will feel right at home.

9:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

is he holding the do not disturb sign so people won't check out the bulge in his pants? smart man.

2:13 AM  
Blogger goodsoul said...

The pants are hypnotic. What material are they made of? What kind of shoes does one wear with them? Were they chosen purely for fashion's sake, or do they help Damian reach those impossibly high notes? What does it feel like to smack Damian's tight-striped-pants-clad ass?

The pants will haunt my dreams.

1:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those are the pants I cleary remember myself saying to my friend "I love those pants, I want them." when Damian walked by. Hilarious story.

6:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If Damian were to lose confidence in his pantalons I would be sad. For I truly cherish the unique and those pants are Freakishly Awesome in thier own Awe-inspiring way. I think all those wierd people are just in shock from the sheer amazingness of the members of OK Go and your pants. Please stay you guys so I don't have to go and miss the pants and beat up the little girl who molested Damian. Though as said well by another person... it is a tempting thing to do.

7:59 PM  
Anonymous #1 Fashion Designer said...

I'm a fashion designer/artist, and as a matter of fact great at what I do and proud of it, and most recently, I have named DAMIAN THE KING OF STYLE in my book, and that is one hell of a compliment, since I think everyone does well, but to be king........... DAMIAN is tops, so who cares what the other people who don't understand this.

1:50 AM  
Blogger elizabertie said...

This story has made my week....too funny!

9:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those pants are the sexiest thing ever! I have such a weakness for guys in tight pants and thats a fact...and i dont find it shocking that she smacked his must b just so hard to resist...oh and next time if u dont want ppl to think that ur homosexual just bring me along! cuz well...we could SHOW them in various ways that ur not gay ;) ahem..

10:30 AM  
Blogger RickyB said...

I've only lived in KC for a year (lived mostly in NY and Seattle) but this says it ALL about Kansas City. NAILS it. Sorry I missed you guys the other night though, getting the CD. Word.

12:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i personally thought they were awesome when i met you guys in dallas. i think they make your ass look awesome, Damian.
-andy (girl)

7:05 PM  
Anonymous ld said...

i love the pants. i want a pair of those pants. where can i find a pair of those pants!

1:44 PM  
Anonymous Laura said...

This doesn't really relate but I think that Damian has some underdeveloped acting talent hidden somewhere inside of him...

2:04 PM  
Blogger Marigold said...

I have some paisley ones I could mail you, they're frightful, yet strangely delightful...

Seriously, life is better when you live in the plaid or polka dot.

9:35 PM  
Anonymous joan coles said...

don't let them bring you down...heh heh.........those are awesome pants!

i actually know a guy who has almost those exact not sure where they came from or i would likely have seome too........

11:27 PM  
Anonymous llol0l_alice_l0loll said...

how do i view the rest of this blog?? =[
a million ways: awesome music/dance vid!!! bahhaha do not disturb ... pants = excitement in some rural people's lives... now hotpants...ummm...i'll just leave that alone

9:16 AM  
Anonymous me again said...

***** buttless chaps... its sooo early

9:22 AM  
Blogger glassesfetish said...

OMG best pants evOR!! I lurve the way you guys dress. I guess too many selections of pants are just too complicated for one pants town Texans :P.

And thanks again for signing my friends twenty dollar bill at "Chain reaction". YOU guys were great at "Last call". I hope I didn't weird you guys out by jumping up and down and waving my arms in the air so much (was the only one doing it -_-;;), well I was too excited to be embarrassed anyway :P. But I was glade you guys got a good laugh out of it XD! Later.

5:09 AM  
Anonymous becca said...

haha. yeah right. i like them...
the pants.

7:33 PM  
Anonymous baByJ said...

i <3 TIM!!!!

6:56 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Hahahaha!!!! I just love hearing about your crazy adventures!!

7:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


well i'd like to say that those are kick-ass tight pants and they are very welcome in san francisco (a.k.a. a tad more liberal than the midwest..)

12:24 AM  
Anonymous Ann said...

Shexy pants.

I've been waiting for an appropriate time to say that my entire life.

Well those do look pretty British, but then you all look pretty British[btw, people think you're British.]

10:37 PM  
Blogger no wai jose said...

this really makes me not want to go to Kansas...
but it kinda sux for them down there
eating nothing but bbq
and always having tornadoes sweep away their bbq making grill sold to them by george forman....

7:47 PM  
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2:20 AM  

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